It’s 3 AM and I’ve opened this page after two long years. I’m writing this because I’m scared. The second I close my eyes, I see shadows staring at me. They’re angry. I try to fight them but they’re just too many in number. They’re also huge. I’m not schizophrenic (yet) but what they’re saying is breaking my heart. I’ve been avoiding them for quite a while now, but what happened two days ago has made it impossible for me to look away.
I have been a strong believer of fighting hate with love. My soul craves for hope. I see no love, no hope tonight. There are just shadows of hate and echoes of voices that tell them to follow me. A voice telling me that a child only deserves love and friendship if s/he believes in the same God as we do. Another voice saying that the fair and just way to deal with a murder of a child would be to kill the murderer’s child of course. A child who is innocent. How do I silence the voice saying the best way to enter heaven would be to kill people who hinder practice of what we think is the best religion? Can the voice saying it is a part of faith to hate (who we judge as) sinners hear what God has to say about everyone? Where is this coming from? Why do we choose to instill fear, and turn our backs toward love? We see people fighting in a street at that amuses us. We gather around, pick sides, watch the show. We see two people hugging in the street, we feel disgusted. Why are we so afraid of love, whereas it should be the other way round?
I’ve made fun of transgenders all my childhood. I didn’t know ‘what’ they were. Why wasn’t I shown they deserve respect? Why wasn’t I taught that the only thing I should be giving to this world is love? Even our empathy is selective. We choose whose pain we want to feel. We choose whose sufferings we want to see. we have forgotten how to value lives. We see shadows of hate everywhere but we choose to look away until they knock our own doors. And while we continue looking away, they’re multiplying. The nights are getting darker and the days are getting noisier. Maybe these are the voices that are coming out of the trumpet of Israfil, sucking souls gradually.
All these voices that are haunting me are not distant. I heard them all during a single day accompanying a researcher in a community that holds a special place in my heart. Who sells this hatred? Who do we buy it? It’s ironic that the fantasy of having a glorious afterlife is making the world a living hell. What are we doing about it? Why aren’t we taught to give love and respect to everyone? I don’t have answers, but I won’t give up.
marriam92 